Back in the Saddle

I’m back after a busy four weeks! Getting back in the saddle again, with writing that is.

Writing and journaling has always been a great way to open my heart. For believers vulnerability is a superpower. Becoming vulnerable so that Christ can shape us makes us much more.

I began writing in this space months ago for that very reason. I want to give God more room in my life and I wrestle with big questions. If I don’t slow down, lay them out, and let the Spirit of Christ in me scan them, they just stay stuck like a lump in my throat. They’re not bad. Most of them are just questions not yet answered.

The Questions Come Faster Than the Answers

If you’re like me, the questions come much faster than the answers.

“How do I leave a legacy?”

“God, if it feels like I’m not moving, what are you working on?”

“Why can’t I get good enough to be great?”

“Jesus, where are you leading?”

“What am I being shaped into?”

What if the answers to these questions aren’t what I need?

What If I Never Measure Up?

I was afraid that I might never measure up. That I might not have what it takes to be someone important. I might not be noticed for my future accomplishments. Never surfacing from obscurity. That I might be destined for average.

I’m not the type that refuses to lose. I’d rather have a meaningful win than no losses.

Honestly, I want to rise to something. I sense that given a great challenge I would rise to it. I’m not satisfied seeing pastoring rural churches, fostering, shepherding, seeking—even all together—as being it. I think I’m building something bigger, and I’d like to know what it is so I can at least chip away at it.

But maybe that’s part of the problem.

If I knew, maybe I’d get overwhelmed and give up, overanalyze it, jeopardize it, or try to strive for it.

In the not knowing, am I better off? More useful?

Right now I’m thinking about why I get this so little and spend so little time actively pursuing, enjoying, and recognizing His presence. I want so badly to please Him by works when He’s pleased with my presence, my surrender, and my participation in His work.

Not striving, but flowing from surrender to presence to witnessing His works, distributing His abundant provision, and speaking of His wonders.

I’m hardly in the flow. I’m so programmed to either work or avoid work, and so often distracted from His presence.

I cycle through:

perform → burnout → distraction/avoidance → shame

But maybe the flow of presence looks more like:

surrender → presence → witness/participate

The Good Shepherd Was Washing My Feet

Recently I had the opportunity to experience God’s presence in a new and humbling way.

My oldest daughter and I returned to Mexico for a summer missions trip. Dusty roads rolled out a welcome for our caravan. In Vicente Guerrero, Baja California, tacos forged fellowship. Fresh strawberry lemonade and tamales seemed like communion.

We offered a sacrifice of time with hammers and nails. We blessed a family and built something for the Kingdom. Kneeling in the dirt to serve made me feel cleaner than the long showers we left back home.

I thought I was serving a single mom and her kids, but it turns out the Good Shepherd was washing my feet.

Maybe the problem isn’t that I need to know whether something bigger is coming.

Maybe I need to surrender my need to know.

Maybe I don’t need the blueprint to take the next step.

“Jesus, where are you leading?”

Follow me.